Same spot

I found myself on that same spot again…

On the same spot where once upon a time was the spot exclusive for me (I assumed) On his motorcycle, riding with him and trusting the words he says, expecting that the ride would be smooth but ofcourse things happened. Too much for trusting. Him being the good person he is, accompanied me and my bestfriend to the beach.

On that same beautiful beach where the sunset makes everything wonderful. Wherein a more gentle waves can be felt.

On the same spot where I found the calmness of my soul and gives serenity on my distracted mind.

But this time… I am not alone, I stood there with my friend and his colleagues, having this ravish farewell party of his. Everything seems good at the earlier moment I’ve been introduced to them. We talked, we laughed and drank beers until as what they say… Drink until we’re drop.

But during the night party, I found myself being bored and extremely sleepy, I had a feeling that this is because I already have menstruation and to put an icing on the top I can’t go hop on the bus to be home, since the bus schedule is limited to a certain time. And so, I have to go overnight at my friend place. Good thing that friend is my gay bestfriend so no worries on being attacked or harassed there.

Before we call it a night, we made a stop on the beach club where he worked before, the place is lit.

It has a nice view and nice decor. We drink again, shots and beers are served. Good thing those bartenders were close to him, he got those drinks for free… So much for gate crashing and not paying at the bar right. Lol. Though it was somewhat new to me., it was quite enjoyable but at the same time I’m a little afraid since the owners may get mad at us, or something. Haha

After buying another case of beers, my friend and I, together with his colleagues went to my friend’s place to drink. But since I’m a little bit sleepy and my menstruation is acting up, I decided to sleep earlier.

The party didn’t stop, since gay people literally and figuratively are fun people. They’re so active, loud, proud and well a little bit destructive, they tend to make fun of other people’s situation. No offense meant to other gays ofcourse. So my friend ‘drop’ earlier than usual I think, his colleagues want to drag him back and drink beers more. But, oh boy he was so drunk that they didn’t even make him stand to where he fell asleep so they did a little bit of ritual as he sleeps and taking videos at the same time.

I have just realized that even if we find ourselves on that same spot again, there would be a difference. Something is changed. It maybe ourselves or it could be the people around us.

Exploring options

We people tend to assume things prior to the exact thing to happen.

I guess I am silly. I always make a fool out of myself. I’ve waited for almost a year to make myself worthy again, worthy for the guy that maybe I will entertain for a long time, my partner in crime, my confidante.

I guess being the silly me, I always want companionship, I do love to drink and go out at night. I think those things makes me happy for a while, it makes me the IT girl. I’m living in the moment…but since I’ve lost closeness with my other friends, it seems they’re not interested with the things i want(we dont have the same interest) and they look like those people you can’t invite to do some chillin.

Chatting with old friends, I’ve come in contact with my batchmate way back. At first I truly think he’s nice, we chill, we talk. And since I’ve experienced going out with him once. I assume that second time would be the same.

So we planned our bonding time. I did go with him in their place, we had a nice time, nice talk.Until it is already 3 am. Their place is a little bit far from the town where I live, so I had to ask for a ride back. He’s a little bit tipsy at that time and me? Well I am drunk!

So he offered his room, But I’m no fool with that kind of offer, something is wrong I might say so I told him No, I can manage staying outside. After some time, he asked me again. And since we dont have the service yet, I get to the room to actually rest so my drunkenness could be lessen. After a little bit, he got to the bed and lay beside me. Since I’m drunk, I did sleep and oh boy… I do snore. He laugh at me, tease me with it and out of nowhere he kissed me… I’ve tried to keep him at bay. Since we are only friends and i don’t wanna lose another one. But of course, the kiss lead to another and the rest was history. History of being dumb.

One of the consequences I’m always facing are the wildness and carelessness as I got drunk. It always led to embarrassing moment where I regret every single thing I’ve done. I guess some people would just assume that I like that anyways so why act innocent. Some would just say it is really my fault to begin with. That all of the things I want is just pure foolishness.

But what I want is not that thing, I just want a companion. I don’t wanna indulge on things that even I questioned myself a lot. That IT is against my will. But what should I do? Those People Think lowly of Myself!! They always assume things just because they barely know me and my past. But hey, they don’t know the real Story. Why did I became like this, why did I act like this, why becoming this person that is not worthy of loving.

I’ve been thinking in a long time now, if that thing that happened as I was a child is an abuse? Is that the reason why I am like this now? Why I think lowly of myself? Why I am not worthy enough to be kept? Cause back then I indulge myself on reading and watching things at a young age. And then a middle-aged man, took a pass on me, since I’m still young… I got swayed easily. After that I forget what happened, I became the normal teenager studying and having relationships, yes in a plural mode. There are too many of them that it is actually insane. Lol.

All in all I am fucked up, I dunno where this would take me. Or for how long until I know I am okay, and I’m worthy, Worthy of everything I have. I actually kept all of this feelings inside me and I think it’s starting a toll on Me.

Behind my happy, funny and sweet facade are the scarred girl that I am.

So I’m thinking,weighing my options. And damn… he just broke it that night of chilly december.

Traveling alone

Sometimes we tend to seek our friends ‘go sign’ when we plan our travel. We tend to base in their availability to make our plan works… And most of time… the plan, the travel didn’t happen.

The time we used on planning and talking about the plan, where should we go, what places should be visited, when to do it, how to do it, who among them are coming… It cost too much time that the time you have to yourself is not enough anymore.

After the gruesome planning with your friends, you’ll realize that you’re just wasting your time. You’ve spent your vacation on planning! Just plain planning. As what guy’s always saying… DRAWING.

And so, I’ve decided to have a little escapade the day before my vacation ends. Friends I’ve invited to join my little travel can be counted on just my one hand. Cause i know inviting more can be a handful.

I started my travel plan by just a mere thinking that going to Elnido seems nice. Thinking I have a swimsuit to be use makes me more excited to go. Without getting permission from my parents, without thinking that I have to spend more money. I prepare my clothes, bag, a little pocket money and i’m good to go.

I’m thinking, it is not bad to do a little travel yeah? I mean by yourself, I think traveling alone makes it more exciting… You have to do the exploration and fun by yourself. No worries on getting ones opinion. No one to judge the things you’ll do.

As I was traveling it makes me giddy and a little bit nervous, cause I’m a girl that needed friends for my travel to work, I mean I am a bit dependent on them, to the point that I always get disappointed, frustrated even more when they didn’t make it.

Since it’s the time when most students and traveller’s are going back to the city, terminal is full of passengers but luckily since they’re going south and I’m opposite to where they were going… I squeezed myself just to go to elnido. On the duration of the travel, I’m just listening to music and then out of nowhere… Someone caught my attention. The guy with his longer hair and a poker face in the van in front of us. The guy… Was my guy! Lol. And since he was, long time ago… My Guy, I got fascinated on staring at him since I do believe that he can’t see me. Too busy Smiling and nodding to myself I didn’t realize we had overtaken the van he’s in. For a period of time I keep on looking for him.

At last I’ve arrived, I got off at Vanilla Beach. Taking the steps down to the beach. One… Two… There’s something in my chest wanting to be released. Anticipating the nice view and the freedom I will get once I get into the beach.

And viola, as my feet landed on the beach sand, as I feel the sea breeze… I can’t help from smiling. To the point that I know other people might think I’m an idiot. But hey, I really feel great that time. I guess no one can stop you from smiling if you really did feel great. I’ve look around. Take off my clothes so everyone can see that I’m into swimsuit too. Took a swim, lay down on the beach sand and feel the heat of the sun.Foreigners are not the only one getting tanned you know. Lol.

It is very hot/sunny but hey there’s too many scenes you could indulge yourself into. Just like looking at the beach, the blue sky, the sexy girls and washboard stomach of the men. Forget about the other dude and gals. Haha. Waves are good, not too much too handle, so I just have to be little bit careful with my top next time, don’t want to give them a free show you know.

All in all, my not so well-planned plan turned out to be great. Got a good place, got a long talk with a friend, got a nice view, got a nice food that I’ve definitely wanna taste some more.

What more could I ask for?

Great plan to travel alone.

Trying to be the girl

Being the girl that experienced a lot of things in an early age. Being exposed on not so nice things an innocent girl should not indulge on.

Gender stereotyping, how a female should act and present themselves.

Young, curious and adventurous, we always tend to test things, experience some things that lead into something bad. As the years and days pass by, the opinions of other people towards you tend to change also. They will judge you based on the things you’ve done and since it is bad… They got to expect that you always do that and it is not a problem to act on you too.

So since you always wanted to be accepted as a good girl, you’ve adjusted yourself. Making actions that would prevent you in the situation again.

Look how we adjust and forget our true identity just for the sake of other people. Trying to be the girl they always wanted.